I’ve always been a pretty moody person. I don’t remember my childhood much — not sure if it’s because the rise of Apple and social media has led to short-term memory loss or because the past few years in themselves feel like a whole lifetime. But I do remember being ‘moody’. My mind would always latch onto what was ‘wrong’ or could be ‘wrong’. At a young age, I had a gift for focusing on what other people may or may not do and how that could affect me (it’s giving early on-set control issues✨).

To the adults around me, it was just Joannah being ‘bossy’ or an ‘oversabi’ (basically doing past myself), as they’d call me. Because older than me or not, I’d tell you what to do. To them, it was probably cute, sometimes annoying and bordering on rude — but endearing in a way. Now I see how that was the onset of wanting things to go a certain way. Finding ways to protect myself from ‘something’. A lot of the time, I didn’t know what that ‘thing’ was. It may not have even existed or would materialize — but if my mind thought about it, well, it might as well have been very real and you couldn’t tell me it wasn’t true.

Later on, that manifested as very intense mood swings. I’d just get into these moods that felt like there was a depressive cloud over my head. I could see the signs when it would start coming over me and honestly, I never fought it. At some point, it became a comfort. Too comfortable, maybe. My perceptions, judgments, feelings, and all my assumptions — they were my safety net. I wouldn’t want anything else.

I don’t remember the exact day it started — it wasn’t a dramatic moment or anything. But I do remember slowly sensing those ‘moody episodes’ melting over time. That’s when I started to suspect there might be another way to live. This Man (yet somehow also God), named Jesus, whom I’d been hearing about for years, I realized might just be real after all. This was the first time I felt joy knocking, instead of my old friend - despair.

I’ve been thinking about that a lot recently. Seeing how, even though I’m older, that little, scared girl who wants to control is still in there somewhere. Those mood swings whisper and threaten to raise their gruesome head again and again. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t answered their call a few times but I’m seeing the pattern now (weird I never saw it before) and I’m realizing I don’t have to hold hands with despair anymore. It’s been a slow but sure ascent, one that has made the scripture - “He has begun a good work in you will be faithful to complete it.” God desires joy for me, He died to get me that and it’s crazy that I’ve been living the opposite of that.

Even as a Christian, I think ‘joy’ has been something I’ve kind of struggled with. I’ve been asking myself this year — what even is ‘joy’? What does it mean for the joy of the Lord to be my strength?

We quote it. I’ve quoted it for sure. It’s made the Highlights Hall of Fame. I’ve recited it in prayer, thinking I was doing something — but wasn’t. I was still sad and filled with despair. How do I know this? How could I be in despair as someone claiming to walk with God?

Well, first — let’s establish that two things can be true at once. This doesn’t negate my relationship in any way. If anything, I guess it just makes it more real. Second — I know this because I can now see it in my actions. In how I interacted with the people around me. In how I thought about the future, the present, and even the past. In how I’d be good one minute, and crash out the very next (a very REGULAR occurrence for me lol).

Don’t get me wrong, life will always be filled with crash-out moments — but not at the frequency that I was having them.

So what changed?

Well, honestly? I haven’t done anything different. At least I don’t think so. I think the only thing that has changed is my honesty with God — and realizing I don’t know everything, don’t know myself as much as I think I do and that’s okay. That I can trust Him to show me, to help me receive all the goodness He desperately wants me to have. This one was (and is) a hard pill to swallow (remember, recovering control freak here).

From there, I think God just shifted something in me. I’m starting to see how simple things really are, and how complex my soul can make it seem. How God has never exaggerated, overpromised, and not delivered — though I act(ed) like He did.

Every time I leaned into the fear, worry, and that ex of mine — despair (ahh despair is a tough cookie to shake for sure) — I acted like God didn’t literally die for me to have a well-balanced mind (read 2 Timothy 1:7 in AMPC version and thank me later). And it’s fair enough. This isn’t a pity party (at least not anymore) or a shame spiral. I can just see clearly how there were parts — lots of parts — of me that hadn’t fully trusted Him yet. I still had the reins of control.

If I couldn’t fix my life, then I’d want to fix me — or fix others.
Side note: I’ve officially retired from being Miss Fix-It. I’ve surrendered that Bob will do just fine without me.

But I’m seeing now how He is the literal Shepherd of my soul.
God cares about my soul (isn’t that insane?).
He cares about the health of my heart.

Now when I read or think about scripture — specifically around joy — it no longer feels like just words on a page, but it feels like something I can have. And the crazy thing is, it’s not something I have to strive for (guys this is mind-blowing — if yours isn’t yet, don’t worry, He’ll blow it soon enough). It just seems to me that I really do have everything I need.

Joy has already been given.
Peace is already mine for the taking.
Power — there’s never been a shortage of.
Comfort, Love? Well, that’s a given too.

But how come I never saw this before?

Remember what I said about our souls making things a lot more complicated?
God has been shifting stuff in there. A lot of renovations are currently happening (unprovoked, might I add). I feel like a patient who is just lying on the surgeon’s table and watching Him work. Completely willing? Well, not sure yet — but I feel safe enough, at least, because this Surgeon seems to know His stuff.

So I’ve been on a kick of be-friending this thing called, joy.

I was thinking about Inside Out the other day (might be time for a rewatch), and how all the various emotions could have control over Riley, their host. Well — if joy was a person (and is this Man named Jesus), then I’d really like to get to know it (Him) more.

Can I say life has been filled with a lot more ease since this kind of started snapping into place? Nothing is different on the outside. But there’s an ease that feels possible to me right now that I didn’t think was possible before — and I want to hold on to it and never let go. I’m learning to just believe God.
Take Him at His word. And let Him sort out the rest.

Well what does this actually look like practically?
Because God forbid we get all spirit coco here…

Less crash-outs.
More space to think ‘well’.
A scary sense of peace.
I see others better than before.
There’s less ‘stuff’ in between.

There’s more clarity — not in an “I’ve figured everything out” kind of way, but just a knowing that all truly is well. I’m learning to ‘feel’ with God and discovering what that means and looks like for me. I think it looks like total dependency — in ways I naturally don’t want to be.

Saw this video the other day and it was honestly so real because every small thing for me now — it’s “I’ve left it to God.” And truly, I really have or at least I want to as much as possible.

Alsooo mini-update, my birthday was earlier this month and it was everything I could have wanted in a day and more. For context, I’ve never liked my birthday. I’ve always associated it with stress and anxiety. And I’d be lying if I said earlier (I really mean the week before) that I didn’t want to do the same depressing cycle this year as well.

But I decided this year, I wanted to celebrate myself. Actually, plan and do something for me. So I bought my dress ahead of time in April —

And trust my people — they showed up for me in ways I couldn’t even begin to describe. I didn’t even have to ask. They literally went above and beyond to sort out the details that I usually spend time stressing over. From the food to the space — everything was just sorted.

But me being me, I still had a plan. I wanted things to go a particular way. I planned to make lasagna for everyone (an ode to a family tradition I had that stopped). I didn’t want to cook on my actual birthday. I planned to sleep and just show up to my party and cook the day before. But as they say — you make plans and life laughs at you. Guess who had to be up early in the AM cooking and prepping lasagna? And even while doing that, so many things were not going the way I wanted.

But what was different this time around is… I just let things be. They were gliding off me with ease. I didn’t have to let all of this affect me if I didn’t want it to (this has been a game-changer).

And I know that sounds like pseudo-spiritual babble — but genuinely, I even tried to concoct myself to be stressed… and I just couldn’t… It wouldn’t come.

My heart felt steady.
And I’m grateful for that.

I was able to be present, focus on the people I love, and take everything in.

So all I can say is this truly was the best birthday I’ve ever had — and I don’t think I’m even able to fully articulate it. But my cup is truly full.

So here’s to saying yes to joy and taking her hand every time.

The simple things that made this birthday truly special:

• The invite

• Everyone showed up in something blue as asked

@joannahekohYes, this sound was the inspo ☺️

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• Successfully making the lasagna (no pics, unfortunately)

• My dress!!

• My cake, made by my gorgeous girls (@perfectspatisserie)

• All the gifts!